I fell in Love.

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” – Pema Chodrom

I fell in love with a beautiful boy and he made my dreams come true.
Or, so I thought.
When you are young, you settle. Not because you have to, but because you don’t know any better. You don’t know who you are so you let others shape you. You trade “I” for “we”, but in reality you trade “I” for “him”.
In the beginning, I was consumed.
My every action, my every thought, revolved around him. I was so deeply, madly in love. I let him invade all aspects of my life.
The change wasn’t noticeable; not at first.
It was small and insignificant.
It started with a pair of shoes.
I needed to change to be with him. I needed to fit in with his friends, his family, and his life.
So I did.
We were happy. Everything was new.
The firsts are always magical. From our first kiss, I knew he was all I would ever want.
Every day this feeling grew stronger. He was it. I found my forever.
We planned a life together. We even argued over our future kid’s names.
He was perfect. We were perfect.
Two years later and we were worlds apart.
You would never know.
You would never know about the tears, the fights, and the sleepless nights.
You would never know I was suffocating.
Drowning. Breathless.
You would never know.
A picture. A smile. They both covered the lies.
I fought every single day to keep us together. I chose him every single day. I cried and suffered in silence every day of every week for what seemed like an enternity.
I failed.
I lost.
He changed me and he broke me.
I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t love him.
I do.
I always will.
He was my dream.
But, we don’t live in our dreams and at some point we have to wake up.
In the time we were together, I grew up.
He taught me how to love and showed me what true happiness was.
For that, I am forever grateful.
And maybe that’s why he had to go.
Maybe, he taught me all he could.
And now, I have to learn for myself.
Alone.
Not we,
I.

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